Tag Archives: zoloft

Mania is my new buzz

The extra 50mgs of zoloft are definiately doing something. I feel antsy and crazy and weird but I haven’t cut myself (much) in the past two days. I have diarrohea of the mouth. My mother just arrived to help me with the transition to europe and I just spilled my guts to her. I told her everything – the cutting, the depression, the drugs, the possible heart defect. I don’t ever tell my mother this kind of thing. It’s very unlike me and I feel very weird about it. But I can’t shut the fuck up. She’s playing it cool but I can see that I’ve shocked her.

On another topic, I love xanax

Why?

So once again I feel like hurting myself. Once again I know that I won’t no matter how I’m tempted. Once again I know that these are stupid thoughts. Once again I know that I should leave Hell and go home, credit crisis or not.

What fucking good are depression meds if they don’t work? What fucking good is my going to work when I cannot function? What fucking good is it to be on the edge of tears because one of my laziest colleagues just bitched about his workload? What fucking good is health insurance when I can’t afford to pay upfront?

Why did my ear choose now to get infected? Why does my body refuse to feel itself? Why am I still burning up with fever? Why can’t I say to hell with commitments and leave this Hell forever? Why can’t I sleep?

My eternal questions!

A miracle

It’s a fucking miracle. There is a doctor in this hellhole that is competent and doesn’t assume the patient is lying as soon as they open their mouths. She knows her medicine but is not short on empathy. I had completely lost hope in medical care, especially male doctors who claim to know, in their superiority, my body better than I know it myself.

They doc didn’t fob me off with a “the problem is your depression meds. You’ll be fine in a few weeks” like that other fucker did for four fucking months. I never have to go back to him again. She didn’t automatically assume that my fat needed a diagnosis. She understand that PCOS is one of those diseases that fucks with the endocrine system at metabolism, unlike that sanctimonious fucker in Singapore who was an endocrinologist and still didn’t understand his speciality. Fuck ya’ll very much

Don’t know how it will work out financially because the shit doctor is free and the fab doctor is very pricey but I will find a way.

Here I am, in Hell, 30 years old and I finally found a doctor that doesn’t patronise me. In general it’s difficult to find male professionals who don’t patronise me no matter how snarky I may be. A male acquaintance who will always disagree with me, agrees with the exact same suggestion coming from a man. Needless to say, I keep banging my head against a brick wall in pointing out the sexism of this and more generally.

So the basic story is that there is still a decent doctor in the world. Now if she can find a cure to insomnia, at her feet I will worship.

Feeling better

On the advice of my dear friend BonBon I’ve split up my meds – 50mg in the morning and 50 mg in the evening. All the online advice, advises against this but it is the single most useful idea, a medical person has come up with, because for me it actually works. I’m feeling less depressed. I can sleep and I can wake up. I haven’t had an Ambien in over a week and I’m actually well rested. I can hardly believe it.

I don’t think it is just the meds. I’m doing an engaging and exciting project at work which makes it a joy to go in in the mornings. Of course, the project means I’m working up to three hours overtime a day but I can’t resent it because now I actually enjoy my work. Things are mostly looking up.

But my dear friend Kath, is leaving and I’ll miss her terribly – more than anyone who has left before. Kath I love you and will miss you terribly x

The NYT comes out with something we’ve known all along

Still it’s nice to get confirmation. The headline reads “Exercise Is Found Not to Affect Depression

Many people are sure that exercise improves their mood, and studies have suggested that exercise is almost as effective as antidepressants in relieving symptoms of depression. But a new study has found that even though people who exercise are less likely to be depressed or anxious, it is probably not because they exercise.

snip

This does not mean that exercise is useless in alleviating depressive symptoms. “Exercise may still be beneficial for patients being treated for an anxiety or depressive disorder,” said Marleen H. M. de Moor, the lead author of the study and a doctoral student in psychology at VU University Amsterdam. “But we couldn’t find evidence for a causal effect in the population at large.”

Really? Wow? I’m am truly bowled over and amazed at the assertion that exercise doesn’t cure depression, you know, except not. I may be crazy but I’m still rational. This was a scientific study that can finally wipe the board clean of all those wishy washy eat your veggies people who claim that exercise and fish oil cure depression. Of course they don’t. They MAY help to mitigate depression in minute ways.

Big Pharma may be evil and corrupt but I need my Zoloft and you will take it from my cold dead hands.