So once again I feel like hurting myself. Once again I know that I won’t no matter how I’m tempted. Once again I know that these are stupid thoughts. Once again I know that I should leave Hell and go home, credit crisis or not.
What fucking good are depression meds if they don’t work? What fucking good is my going to work when I cannot function? What fucking good is it to be on the edge of tears because one of my laziest colleagues just bitched about his workload? What fucking good is health insurance when I can’t afford to pay upfront?
Why did my ear choose now to get infected? Why does my body refuse to feel itself? Why am I still burning up with fever? Why can’t I say to hell with commitments and leave this Hell forever? Why can’t I sleep?
My eternal questions!
So apparently I’ve been sick which is why I’m so tired, well that and insomnia. I’ve also been bitten by many ants and my ankles are itchy. Bloody ants.
Maybe more cowbell is the answer or maybe some Blackadder
Choice is the key. I was longing to go home this week. Longing to see my family. I even cried for my mother. I was at breaking point – ready to harm myself just to get home. It’s easy to say much less easy to do. I had lunch with my dear Kath who is the most sensible of women, and she called me out on a number of points.
She made me realise that the simple truth is, yes I can go home. I can go home and stay there as long as I like. However the key to everything, is that I can leave home again. It’s not like I’ll have to stay there forever. I can go to Kenya and stay with M+L or my sister or to anywhere else really. It’s obvious but it made a huge difference. I can go home and I can leave home again. I swear that you could have seen a light go off above my head.
Knowing my choices is the key. I can deal with staying in Hell for now because I can choose to leave and go anywhere (finances permitting). I have no children, no obligations besides my job. It is so liberating to know my choices. Life has been easier a bit since that incredibly obvious realisation.
Now if I could only sort my illness and depression out I’d be on top of the world
Taking two different meds.
- Belly aching.
- Hell calling.
- Flight cancelling.
- Pissed off getting
Screw this. I’m gonna eat spring rolls and get a hair cut