Tag Archives: rants

Life and apathy

I’m literally sick of this country. I’m running a fever that I suspect has no physical cause. I’m totally drained from the utter mundaneness of my job, the lack of sex (important of the hierarchy of needs), sick of boys playing games with me and utterly done with this country.

BG’s playing again. He’s just back from visiting his girlfriend and having just landed sent me a sweetheart text. He comes on so strong and then pulls back and I’m sick of his shit. He won’t cheat on her, bully for him, but he has no qualms about playing with my fucking emotions.

Evans after half kissing me last week is once again sleep with MKen which irritates me. Why is everything so crappy at the moment.

Everything about this country pisses me off. It is never quiet. The noise penetrates each and every moment. The pollution makes me sick. The boredom consumes my soul until all is left is apathy. I am totally apathetic. There is nothing to do here : no cinema, theatre or even going for a walk. Walking here is an exercise in self-destruction. The people laugh and point fingers and every five seconds vendors and taxis insist you take a lift with them.

My work is necessary but I’m unpaid and overworked. Worst still is the lack of accomplishment I feel. The job is soul destroying – sorting through papers and putting the paper in folders is my job. A monkey could do it. Well a monkey that can read, obviously.

I don’t know the solution. Friends and family would say to pack up and go home, but that means defeat. Worse still I have to decide to continue this job next year or not. On the one hand, I hate it here but it is a job in my chosen sector. If I leave there is no guarantee I’ll find another job. Oh decisions.

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My mother

My mother posted anonymously on my other blog in her usual fucking preachy manner. Does she honestly think that I don’t know it’s her. My mother was my first feminist influence but I think she’s losing it, lecturing me on finding a man to provide for me, dress the part, have babies – makes me want to vomit. I am secondary to no one and I can’t believe that she won’t stop lecturing me even though I’m a couple of months shy of my thirties. Is she ever going to stop treating me like a child?

She should understand. She couldn’t stand her mother either.

Rage

Is it unreasonable to be flung into a murderous rage to find out that one of my friends is applying for a job I want? Probably is but that’s my fucking job. She’s got three offers. Hands off bitch.

Normally I like her but it’s MINE. My precious. We wants it, we does. It’s ours. We found it. It came to us. My precious.

Do I have that sort of face?

You know the one. The “tell me your life story” face. I’m so sick of listening to random people telling me their woes. I got enough fucking problems of my own. I do not need some random pissant telling me how fucking shite their life is. I must have one of those facs and I’m sick of it. As Ivanova said to Sheridan “I’d rather have a face people fear”

Leave me alone

Is there anything more depressing than your good intentioned friends trying to cheer you up? By the way K, if you’re reading, I am not referring to you. You are fantastic. In general, when I’m down then just leave me alone. Otherwise I’m liable to offend.

God I hate this town and the boys that dwell here. Honestly, grow the fuck up

Down

I’m feeling so down. My work, my life, my everything seems to be bugging me these days.

OK starting with work – on Monday morning my boss admonished me in front of all staff. Basically he implied that I was lazy and wasn’t getting the work done fast enough or answering emails. I felt like screaming at him. All I did, however, was flush bright red and bite my lip. The boss is impossible to read so I don’t know how seriously to take his answers. Then yesterday, we were interviewing an intern to help me with the work, and again he brought up the fact that I was moving very slowly. So I challenged him as Neighbour counselled me to do. I asked him what he thought about my progress and did he have any suggestions to offer as to how I could accomplish the task more rapidly. He said I was doing fine and not to worry. Well fuck you. You can’t just turn around like that in a one on one situation and say I’m doing fine after dressing me down in front of everyone. I feel like crying and my motivation is zero.

OK boss man, how long would it take you to organise, file and archive 17 years of documents that are in no fucking order? I’ve done so much but it doesn’t even fucking register because of the remaining 500 000. I’m only one fucking person. I should have a team but no I’m a volunteer on shitty pay, when everyone else is earning a ton for going interesting work. I’m so bored I could scream.

What boggles the mind, though, is that he offered me an extension on my contract the same day as he publicly embarrassed me. There is no logic to his action and I am feeling so blank. I’m a paid volunteer and have been for two years now. I fucking want a decent contract that recognises my abilities and I don’t want to be stuck in this fucking miserable corrupt hole of a country a second longer than is necessary. We all gotta pay our dues but I’m the one getting six times less money than anyone else. I could of course quit but what kind of a reference and contacts would that get me. It’s so hard to break into the development game especially as a fat white girl. I can’t afford to throw the opportunity away but I am pissed off – very fucking pissed off.

I want to feel something. I want to hold hands. I want to be held at night. I’m so starved of human contact. I’m lonely. I want to get laid. But the only possibility is a second hand offer of pity sex. Oh yeah like that’s going to get me out of this funk. Pity sex for the fat girl who can’t get anything better. You know fuck you. I am fat – deal with it. I don’t need to be told by plebs every time I set foot out of doors. Sometimes I hate this fucking country.

I’ve taken to drinking vodka and not eating after work. I’m not hungry and I feel so blank. I’m a misery at parties and everybody notices when I want them to leave me the fuck alone because I’m normally a “shiny happy person”. Leave me alone in my fucking misery. I hate explaining why I’m down, because it is so fucking insignificant.

My best friend here is going through major problems and I’m doing my utmost to stay focussed on her because she needs someone to lean on and I don’t begrudge her for a second. I know my issues are minor but they don’t feel like it. I’m a simulacra of myself and all I want to do is cry.

I’m touch starved, poor, bored and now with a reputation for incompetence. God I’m going to cry. I can’t I’m at work and I’m the only fucking person without an office. I think I’ll drink tonight.

Pissed off

I want to go home. I am sick of this stupid country, with it’s stupid saving face and near constant hell like weather. I want green fields and woods and streams and my family. I want to see my nephews and not get up so damn early to go to work.

So sick of Asia