I quit smoking. It’s been two days. I feel like shit. I can’t string thoughts or phrases together. I don’t know these things are connected.
I stole a razor blade from a friend’s house. I’m fantasizing about cutting but I can’t do it. My mum is coming to see me soon and she’ll notice. She notices these things. I’ll tell her about the cold dark cloud, the sleepless nights, the loneliness and the pain but I will not tell her about cutting or my thoughts of suicide. I don’t think she wants to hear that. Not that she wants to hear the other stuff either.
I love my job but I quit my job. I want to get the fuck out of this hell but I sometimes like it here. I’m feeling very conflicted. Wish I could stop wanting the slice up my skin. The quitting smoking has made me more edgy. I’m shaky and brainless
My ankles and feet have been severely swollen for at least eight months and someone suggested that it might be a heart thing. Yesterday I asked one of my doctor friends to listen to my herat. He discovered a systolic murmur. I know that I’ve got to get an ultrasound to be sure but fucking hell. How many diseases can one person have?
- lump in breast
- Compassion fatigue
- And now a heart murmur
So I stopped smoking. It’s my second day clean and I miss the smokes. I miss the inhalation, the feeling of coolness, the whole shebang. But I have stopped and I will not take anyother puff. I am so tempted but I must not.
I’m confused again sort of. I guess I’m surprised that I’m feeling the way I am.
Doc and I had a conversation last night. He told me that he fancies me, he loves me and at the beginning of our acquintance he wanted to date me. However, that has changed. He said that I became to good a friend to risk going out with. He says he values his friendship with me too much to try. He told me in another time/place we would be together.
I think that this is a good thing. He is not trying to put me off or get rid of me. I’m so relieved that he does fancy me. I thought I was going crazy with all the mixed signals… the eternal does he doesn’t he conundrum.
So now he has a girlfriend. I cannot discern much from him. He seems very ambivalent. I know, it seems like I’m making excuses but he is completely honest with me. This girl told him she was in love with him and I think he’s basically being a gentleman.
Anyway I’m happy and not jealous because I know that she can never touch our friendship. Plus last night he was looking at me with love. We may get together in the future. For now, I am content with the situation. I feel so vindicated. I just needed to know he felt the same way. Nothing has to happen of a sexual nature. It’s all requited and that’s enough for me.
In other news – successful day 5 of diet. Long may it continue. I’m smoking again. Not much but enough. In fact I may go for one now as my internet just fucked up!
So worried. Worried about doc’s parents. Worried about Farid.
So pissed off. Didn’t even get an interview for three jobs I thought I was perfect for.
So nicotine deprived. Third day without a cigarette.
So tired. Literally didn’t get any sleep last night
I’ve quit smoking. Because
- It’s a filthy habit
- To be able to breathe
- Cos Doc’s extremely anti-smoking and I want him
- My sis hates it
- I think it’s causing a rift between the old folks and me
- I wish I could write that it’s an expensive habit but in Asia in ain’t
- It’s smelly
- Of the bronchitis I seem to get every two months
- OK so it’s mainly about Doc but since I think that he actually is the one, it’s a good thing.
I wrote this for Day 1:
It’s hard. I don’t physically need a smoke but a certainly desire one. I think about the feel of the smoke entering my lungs, the quick hit, the hunger that is never satisfied. I’ve given it up – the exquisite and unsatisfying pleasure. I wonder if here is the best place for this effort. There is a dearth of pleasure here.
A little dramatic to be sure but I do have a flair for that.