Tag Archives: Hell

Stab wounds

I hate this place. A friend got stabbed last night. He’s alive and recovering but it was really bad.

I really hate this place.

Shit

Three gunshots were just fired in front of my house. I’m locking the doors and windows and am going to hide in my room

100th post

I feel that there should be something significant here because I have now blogged 100 posts of the minutia of my life. How incredible boring it most be to read. I whine about my life, my depression and hopelessness. None of those have left me. In fact I felt close to taking drastic measures to relieve my situation. Wasn’t thinking of killing myself but I was thinking of hurting myself – traffic accident, drug overdose, crazy acting but I didn’t. I stayed sensible and relatively sane. I thought about cutting my skin open too but there is always the risk of infection and it is so much more likely in Hell than in the civilised parts of the globe.

I suffer from self-awareness. I know and recognise the likely consequences of suicide, cutting, reckless behaviour or drugs. I know that this state cannot last forever. My loneliness will not be eternal. At some point I’ll be able to sleep and to wake up. Weird to have insomnia and hypersomnia at the same time. As the old chestnut goes “this too shall pass”.

I want it fucking past already. I hate feeling like shit. My mind is either sluggish and I mix up my words or it is racing and I’m composing letters, books and retorts – unable to sleep.

Nothing has changed. I am still the actress who is fake happy in the real world. No one wants to hang around with a person with severe clinical depression after the initial “can I get you anything” and “you poor thing”. I spent the weekend alone. I called my family and friends back home and told them everything was fine. I lied because I can’t tell them the truth. Lying is so much easier. Truth is painful, not just to me but to all. I’ve learned to stfu about my pain.

Except in this space. This is my screaming into the void space. Ironic really because I live in a void – no changes, eternal pain of heat and sweat and mocking voices on every breeze. I have nightmares about tsunami. I am a mess.

I dream of drowning

I dream of drowning.
I dream of water.
The waves wash over me, soothing me, tempting me
And then I panic

I struggle against the current, against the tide,
But inexorably the water nudges and cajoles me out
The sea takes me out, out beyond the land, the sand, the earth
Then crashes
Violently back to land
Drowning the shiny happy people basking in the sunlight.

I am complicit. I am guilt
Because I dreamt of drowning

There. Some random crappy poetry for my 100th post. Maybe if I write it down the nightmares will stop. Maybe that is the solution. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares?

Cold black cloud

Still don’t know what to do. Lay tossing and turning all night long. The sleeping pills are not working any more. My shrink is using me. My doc is a fucking asshole. My best friend betrayed me and I can’t get no sleep.

My dreams are horrific –

  • FB and IB raping and humiliating me, smiling all the while
  • Being on a tall building watching a city flood and people drown and nearly drown myself and then trying to find somewhere quietly to fuck my brains out with a random guy

Can’t stop thinking about the words between Ceili and me. I play them over and over till my head spins. I try to block them out but so far it’s not working.

Even on meds, I’m depressed and now I distrust my shrink

Return to Inferno

Getting out of Hell was the best decision ever. Feel refreshed, revitalised and ready to continue the Sisyphean task of residing in the Fifth Circle. Although I have to say that the circle changes the longer I live here. I would describe it as the second circle on some days. Context is reality. The message is the medium, and all that jazz.

Anyway, I am being abandoned these days as friends move on to Purgatory and Paradiso. My sentence has been extended another year. I can only assume that I am paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.

I work. I drink. I sleep. I think I’m killing my brain slowly. I need something more stimulating before my brain atrophies. Maybe I’ll write a novel on residence in Hell. Maybe answer emails or do a diploma. Gotta decide eventually.

In the meantime, I intend to lie to friends, skip birthdays and work like the devil to finish the boring part of my work (pushing the stone up the hill) and move on to something less mind-numbing. TTFN

Dealing

Well another shitty weekend. Got hammered on Friday, insulted half the city and drunkenly fucked a random backpacker. Broke down crying in Doc’s arms on Saturday and didn’t get any sleep last night. I need to get out of here even if it’s just for a weekend.

Nasty week but it’s almost over

It is truly amazing how bitchy people can be. If you are going to stab me, at least have the fucking courtesy to do it to my face and not aim squarely for my back. I’d much rather Slutty be honest and tell me that she wants Doc instead of whispering in his ear. She had the temerity to presume to know my feelings and then communicate them to him

– Oy. You know DS is in love with you? Right. She’s having a tough time transitioning from love to friendship.

Well you know what bitch, bring it. Apart from your annoying tendency to always choose one night stands over friendship and your concerted effort to have sex with every boy/man in the country, you are a fucking ugly person – body and soul.

Luckily Doc’s a good guy and doesn’t say this outright to you Slutty. He just gives you enough rope to hang yourself and you do every single time because you cannot keep your hands of somebody else’s man. You fancy yourself a manipulator but you betray yourself with your eyes and insincere enthusiasm.

Life is better today than it was yesterday. My dear Cokehead is getting better. It’s almost the weekend and everyone is gone away except Visitor, Sister, Doc and presumably Doc’s spanking new girlfriend (presumably without the spanking cos of the virgin thing). Yes indeed Doc has a girlfriend who is not me. So for some vengeance and comfort I might make out with Evans on the dance floor of Garden Bar tonight. Last weekend he may have been holding her hand but his eyes were on me.

He confessed, as did I, that he fancies me and would want a relationship with me if we were elsewhere but because we are in Hell, I’m too important as a friend to risk losing over a lovers tiff. He was completely sincere. And I agree. He is right. But I don’t like that he’s dating another girl. She is so boring and she takes time away from us. She takes him away from me. And when I have a few drinks taken, I sure do feel abandoned.

It’s been a really harsh week – Doc’s girlf, Cokehead’s hospitalisation, entertaining Visitor until late each evening and having to work the next day. Tonight is drowning sorrows night and I hope they haven’t learned to swim.