Tag Archives: fucking

Innocence regained

My neck is still sore from Ken’s hickey fest. Weird that I’ve kissed more gay boys than straight boys this year. One would think that gay boys don’t want to snog girls but I’ve found that this is not so. Lips are lips and boys are rough. It’s passionate, it’s exciting and it’s without fear or reservation.

I am remembering my one-time obsession with vampires this week. Each time I touch the marks on me I think of biting and fucking vampire style or at least vampire-fantasy style but whatever about kissing gay boys, fucking is out of the question.

It’s lovely when there are no mutual expectation and it feels innocent to snog a boy again and know it’s not going any further and that there is no possibility of it going further. I don’t have to make a choice to have sex or not because there is no possibility. Just the pure pleasure of two humans kissing regarding of gender or orientation. I love genderfucking.

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I’m back

I’m back from hiatus or writers’ strike or I found a cure for laziness. Whatevs. I’m back to ramble on about nothing of interest.

I went home for a while. I escaped Hell’s fiery clutches for a few weeks and earned a reprieve to civilisation. I was not one week back in Civ when I met a boy – a cute, sexy, biochemist who can’t spell. Being a bit of a obsessive-compulsive when it comes to spelling and grammar, I should be instantly repulsed but of course my lust took over. I’ve never enjoyed fucking so much. Hunger really is the best sauce. I heartily recommend it – how invigorating sex is, eh!

Of course my reprieve was temporary and I returned to my own personal Hell, where there are no sexy, cute, biochemists and it is too hot to fuck enthusiastically. Oh well, my boy, BG is coming back into town soon. He’s single now. Maybe if the aircon was to be turned on well before, enthusiastic fucking might be a possibility!

Also snogged a gay guy on Saturday. He left hickies all over my neck and told me scandalous gossip about B and his tendencies towards other men. It would be easier if he would come out of the closet but he has to make that decision himself. Outting someone is not fair.

My contract in Hell lasts another year. Hope it’s a year with plenty of enthusiastic fucking.

Dealing

Well another shitty weekend. Got hammered on Friday, insulted half the city and drunkenly fucked a random backpacker. Broke down crying in Doc’s arms on Saturday and didn’t get any sleep last night. I need to get out of here even if it’s just for a weekend.

Nasty week but it’s almost over

It is truly amazing how bitchy people can be. If you are going to stab me, at least have the fucking courtesy to do it to my face and not aim squarely for my back. I’d much rather Slutty be honest and tell me that she wants Doc instead of whispering in his ear. She had the temerity to presume to know my feelings and then communicate them to him

– Oy. You know DS is in love with you? Right. She’s having a tough time transitioning from love to friendship.

Well you know what bitch, bring it. Apart from your annoying tendency to always choose one night stands over friendship and your concerted effort to have sex with every boy/man in the country, you are a fucking ugly person – body and soul.

Luckily Doc’s a good guy and doesn’t say this outright to you Slutty. He just gives you enough rope to hang yourself and you do every single time because you cannot keep your hands of somebody else’s man. You fancy yourself a manipulator but you betray yourself with your eyes and insincere enthusiasm.

Life is better today than it was yesterday. My dear Cokehead is getting better. It’s almost the weekend and everyone is gone away except Visitor, Sister, Doc and presumably Doc’s spanking new girlfriend (presumably without the spanking cos of the virgin thing). Yes indeed Doc has a girlfriend who is not me. So for some vengeance and comfort I might make out with Evans on the dance floor of Garden Bar tonight. Last weekend he may have been holding her hand but his eyes were on me.

He confessed, as did I, that he fancies me and would want a relationship with me if we were elsewhere but because we are in Hell, I’m too important as a friend to risk losing over a lovers tiff. He was completely sincere. And I agree. He is right. But I don’t like that he’s dating another girl. She is so boring and she takes time away from us. She takes him away from me. And when I have a few drinks taken, I sure do feel abandoned.

It’s been a really harsh week – Doc’s girlf, Cokehead’s hospitalisation, entertaining Visitor until late each evening and having to work the next day. Tonight is drowning sorrows night and I hope they haven’t learned to swim.

Stood up

I feel abandoned, lonely and utterly sad and I can’t tell anyone. I’m about to cry at work like I cried myself to sleep last night. The sad songs didn’t help.

Doc stood me up and I got to thinking about the lack of men that have been interested in me. I realised that exactly three men offered me a second date after making out once – Spanish guy, my rapist and F. Spanish guy called me once about one month after we shagged and never called again after our second hookup. My rapist raped and then dumped me. F still sends me sweet texts but over 10 000 miles separate us and he has a girlfriend.

The truth is that I have never had a relationship. All my sex has been with one night stand, except F. He is the grand exception to everything – he didn’t immediately hate me after sleeping with me. With F it was a sort of relationship even though he was shagging Romanian girl at the same time (as far as I know. He denied it but I’m not a moron). We snogged after he gave me a rose and walked me home and then didn’t see each other for two weeks – work, he was sick etc but texted and emailed daily. Then we shagged. He left the country. He came back and three hours later, I left the countr, never to return. And now he’s back with his ex. The only man who could stand to keep in contact with me after we had shagged.

And Doc, charming Doc – allegedly in love with another woman. She denies it. Doc who when he meets me talks to me all night but never tries to kiss me. Doc who cancelled dinner last night because of a meeting with his boss but was supposed to call me for a drink later, didn’t. I got stood up. I waited and waited and watch Bridget Jones II and Phat Girlz which made me cry. It always makes me cry because all it tells me is stereotypes and that if I ever want a want, I have to go to Nigeria. Well virtually all the Nigerian men I’ve met are not respectful and for me that is a deal breaker.

On top of everything else, my friends are dumping their problems on me. Oh boo fucking hoo. Build a bridge and get over it. “Oooh my boyfriend got me pregnant, lend me $1000 for an abortion”. “He doesn’t want to sleep with me”. “Do you think my girlfriend’s cheating on me?”. At this stage friends, I don’t give a flying fuck. Yes you spend the token five seconds on “how are you DS?” But I don’t thinking anyone realises that I’m close to tears constantly and cry myself to bed at night. If they knew, they would dismiss it because who cares about the feelings of a girl who’s too fat to fuck; a girl who’s always complaining that she can’t get laid; who would want her anyway.

That’s why I cried myself to sleep last night and Friday night and so many nights in the past. Friends don’t actually believe I could ever attract a man and I’m afraid that the passage of time is proving them right. I’m everyone’s best friend – funny DS she can take a joke and all of our shit all the fucking time. I don’t know whether to hibernate or escape. Have to decide soon with the holidays coming up.

Doc spoke to me about it and told me that people have to stand alone as well and that I can’t be a crutch for the world. How right, bright and beautiful you are Doc but you still stood me up, with nary a text of explanation. I gotta assume that you don’t give a flying fuck about me except to fuck me around.

God I’m so lonely and my head hurts from crying and lack of sleep.

Letter to my blog which degenerates into a rant

Dear Blog,

Evans is hunting you, so beware. He plans to find you and read you and learn everything that I wrote about him from your pages. He claims you are his Holy Grail. I suppose in the same way he proclaimed himself my bitch.

His behaviour has been odd of late, flirting with me, kissing me, telling me about other hot girls he wants. Is he being a prat, unaware or simply immature? If he reads you, please make him comment about what the hell kind of game he is playing. Being not American, I don’t play the stupid games. If you like me and I like you, let’s get it on. I’m not going to fake what I feel. At the moment I don’t know what I feel except a mild irritation at Evans’ attitude. Yes it would be nice to experience the full range of sensory pleasures that can happen with consenting adults. I miss the sucking, fucking, smell of skin. But if he is so immature as to think he can make me jealous by telling me about hot girls, I fear the pillow talk would not be up to much.

No more games Evans. You want to get it on, let’s. You want to use me as a crutch when there are no blond girls around, you can fuck right off. And if you are wondering why I don’t approach you, it’s because I fear that you would be too damn scared, if a woman like me showed interest. Your move, bitch.

Sincerely

Dark Sarcasm

Quiet

Well my life has been surprisingly drama free recently. I text text BG on Saturday night to ask him why he hadn’t kissed me. He told me that he thought I was kissing Evans. I told him “bollocks but great way to avoid the question”. M says he has no balls. I think she’s right.

Oh yeah! I got propositioned by an old white guy to have a threesome with himself and his male Asian assistant! I don’t fancy either of them. On the one hand, I am gagging for it. On the other – dirty old man and sidekick. What a dilemma?

Honestly I want to meet a guy who I like and who likes me. Done the threesome stuff before. But who knows what I’ll decide.

All’s quiet on the dating front