I’m confused again sort of. I guess I’m surprised that I’m feeling the way I am.
Doc and I had a conversation last night. He told me that he fancies me, he loves me and at the beginning of our acquintance he wanted to date me. However, that has changed. He said that I became to good a friend to risk going out with. He says he values his friendship with me too much to try. He told me in another time/place we would be together.
I think that this is a good thing. He is not trying to put me off or get rid of me. I’m so relieved that he does fancy me. I thought I was going crazy with all the mixed signals… the eternal does he doesn’t he conundrum.
So now he has a girlfriend. I cannot discern much from him. He seems very ambivalent. I know, it seems like I’m making excuses but he is completely honest with me. This girl told him she was in love with him and I think he’s basically being a gentleman.
Anyway I’m happy and not jealous because I know that she can never touch our friendship. Plus last night he was looking at me with love. We may get together in the future. For now, I am content with the situation. I feel so vindicated. I just needed to know he felt the same way. Nothing has to happen of a sexual nature. It’s all requited and that’s enough for me.
In other news – successful day 5 of diet. Long may it continue. I’m smoking again. Not much but enough. In fact I may go for one now as my internet just fucked up!
Feeling like serious crap. Think I have gastro again.
Am concerned that I am building a relationship with doc in my head. He hasn’t committed to anything. He has never kissed me or implied that he wanted to. Just because we spend hours in conversation doesn’t mean he’s going to suddenly ask me to marry him.I kinda want him too though. How bizarre is that? I want doc to ask me to marry him. That’s absurd. I’ve never kissed the boy, met his parents, friends etc. How can I be thinking in this manner. My traitor’s heart whispers that no one spends that much time with someone this they want. My heart is lying to me. Get a grip.
WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. I have to remember this. FUCK IT. I gave up smoking for you.
Calm down. Friends is good – better perhaps then spending the rest of out lives together. Not that I’m bitter. Oh well, we’re spending Christmas together. Kinda sorta love him but I’ll get over it.
So worried. Worried about doc’s parents. Worried about Farid.
So pissed off. Didn’t even get an interview for three jobs I thought I was perfect for.
So nicotine deprived. Third day without a cigarette.
So tired. Literally didn’t get any sleep last night
I’ve quit smoking. Because
- It’s a filthy habit
- To be able to breathe
- Cos Doc’s extremely anti-smoking and I want him
- My sis hates it
- I think it’s causing a rift between the old folks and me
- I wish I could write that it’s an expensive habit but in Asia in ain’t
- It’s smelly
- Of the bronchitis I seem to get every two months
- OK so it’s mainly about Doc but since I think that he actually is the one, it’s a good thing.
I wrote this for Day 1:
It’s hard. I don’t physically need a smoke but a certainly desire one. I think about the feel of the smoke entering my lungs, the quick hit, the hunger that is never satisfied. I’ve given it up – the exquisite and unsatisfying pleasure. I wonder if here is the best place for this effort. There is a dearth of pleasure here.
A little dramatic to be sure but I do have a flair for that.
The boy cycled for miles to see me for minutes. My girlfriends think he is into me but I just don’t see it. He’s so cute and thrilling
I am lost. Doc has completely undone me. He has stripped away my defences and encouraged my spiritual side and I am falling so completely for him that I am completely terrified.
Still don’t know if he fancies me
I do not understand Doc. It bemuses me more than pisses me off. We had a 6 hour date on Saturday and he dropped me home and waves goodbye – not even the two kiss goodbye. He declared that he is not a romantic and then sighed that he is without hope. Then repeated that he is without hope. I do not understand where that came from. Is it possible that he doesn’t know that I fancy him? I don’t see how that’s possible. Should I make it clearer? Should I STFU? I have no idea.
Of course I might be completely offbase. He may not fancy me at all. Maybe he just really likes me as a friend. But each time we meet, whether by design or coincidence we spend at least 4 hours talking. We talk about everything – work, love, religion, culture and tell each other all about our lives. It’s almost like an old fashioned courting. Does anyone do that anymore? I know he’s from a more conservative country but still. My last lover, from the same country, was similar and I had to make the moves in that. Still F was a total hound and Doc seems to be celibate. Of course being a Christian there’s a chance that he is a virgin but I don’t really believe that.
He’s not in love with that other girl. He’s not gay. He spends all his time with me. He flirts. What is going on?