I’m confused again sort of. I guess I’m surprised that I’m feeling the way I am.
Doc and I had a conversation last night. He told me that he fancies me, he loves me and at the beginning of our acquintance he wanted to date me. However, that has changed. He said that I became to good a friend to risk going out with. He says he values his friendship with me too much to try. He told me in another time/place we would be together.
I think that this is a good thing. He is not trying to put me off or get rid of me. I’m so relieved that he does fancy me. I thought I was going crazy with all the mixed signals… the eternal does he doesn’t he conundrum.
So now he has a girlfriend. I cannot discern much from him. He seems very ambivalent. I know, it seems like I’m making excuses but he is completely honest with me. This girl told him she was in love with him and I think he’s basically being a gentleman.
Anyway I’m happy and not jealous because I know that she can never touch our friendship. Plus last night he was looking at me with love. We may get together in the future. For now, I am content with the situation. I feel so vindicated. I just needed to know he felt the same way. Nothing has to happen of a sexual nature. It’s all requited and that’s enough for me.
In other news – successful day 5 of diet. Long may it continue. I’m smoking again. Not much but enough. In fact I may go for one now as my internet just fucked up!
I am now on my diet for three very successful days. I’m relieved to has arrested my weight gain (bloody PCOS) and I want this to work. If I lose 30 kilos, I’ll not be thin but thinner anyway and then I can eat myself back up to my current 130 kilos and fall into a lifetime of vicious circuluing. Nah I’ll just lose some weight – probably won’t keep it off – who ever does? That’s life!
I don’t want to fail though. I don’t need to be skinny or even normal. I’d be happy with just fat or overweight, a touch of obesity perhaps, but my health with the “disease” requires a reduction in mass. So I do it.
Good luck to me
I am sick and the doctors can’t diagnose me. On top of that I think I’ve been barking up the wrong tree with regard to D and I’m just sick of everything. The only bright spot is the release of the new Harry Potter novel. I’ll spend today holed up reading it. I’ll nick a comfy chair from Neighbour’s place and curl with tea and smokes.
I’m also sick of being sick and not having internet access. I’m typing these at my neighbour bar, drooping over the counter, waiting for K and drinking diet coke. Here she is now. Bye blog
So we went to the local wine bar last night and I got M to text D cos I thought I’d seen him in the factory and I’m a total sap and he didn’t reply but I wasn’t really expecting him to anyway. And then we were hungry and I wasn’t in the mood to eat fancy so we went to the Diner. And then who should walk in the door but D himself. He sat down next to me and said “hi DS”. he just said a general hello to everyone else. He dismissed everyone else and pretty much talked only to me. M said that it was obvious that he only wanted to talk to me and had no interest in the others. I asked him for his email address so he could buy things for me because he’s left for Oz today for two weeks. He wished me happy birthday before he left but he’ll be back in time for my party. I just got really good vibes you know. And I’m crushing on him all over again. One weird thing was that when I told J his chips were evil, D asked me why, and I told him I was on Atkins and he said “oh” – in a weird way. Maybe he’s an FA or something.
To add to the weirdness I also got to tell my kidnapping story – excellent night
I crush on you sooooooo much right now
Yay I lost almost one and a half kilos. That is exactly the sort of motivation I need to choose the narrow path. I sent to the gym this morning and may have over done the weight training a tad as I’m shaky even now – three hours later – with the adrenaline.
I’ve stuck to the Atkins religiously for a whole week (with the planned exception of several vodka sodas) and will continue to do so forever!
Happy as a pig in mud but also tired zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Ok so at lunch today I officially re-began my diet. I know that dieting is, in the vast majority of cases, a useless endeavour. However, in my case, PCOS does not let me choose not to diet. I am happy at (whatever my current weight is) but unless I monitor carefully I will continue to gain. That I am not prepared for; hence the diet.
I chose Atkins because it works both for me and PCOS. In total I’d like to lose 40 kgs which will leave me at 70 (approximately). It’s hardly thin but I like my fat and I think it suits my personality. I’m a loud, opinionated, intimidating bitch and I love it! Plus I think my body is sensual.
So today’s lunch was – steak and eggs – and it was yummy with a diet coke and serious amount a coffee. I know that’s not recommended with Atkins because it causes sugar cravings. I’ve been off the sugar for three years so it’s not really an issue. Bread is my weakness but this blog is an attempt to keep me motivated, thereby alleviating the bloody annoying symptoms of PCOS.
Tonight I’ll probably eat out because there is one stalk of dried broccoli and two bottles of vodka in my fridge. I’m not abstaining from alcohol because living where I do, drinking is what we do best! I am going to try and cut down on the smoking and thereby make my gym visits easier.