It is so much easy to cut with a razor blade than a scissors. The razor is clean and makes patterns in my skin.
The thing about cutting is that while the moment is calming, the aftermath is annoying, messy and painful.
Still cannot sleep. Took half an ambien and still couldn’t sleep.
I gave up smoking and still can’t sleep.
Whiskey, Foxtrot, Tango
I’ve been awake for 48 hours. My body is wreaked but my mind is racing. Thoughts of home and family.
I’ve taken two ambien with no effect.
So once again I feel like hurting myself. Once again I know that I won’t no matter how I’m tempted. Once again I know that these are stupid thoughts. Once again I know that I should leave Hell and go home, credit crisis or not.
What fucking good are depression meds if they don’t work? What fucking good is my going to work when I cannot function? What fucking good is it to be on the edge of tears because one of my laziest colleagues just bitched about his workload? What fucking good is health insurance when I can’t afford to pay upfront?
Why did my ear choose now to get infected? Why does my body refuse to feel itself? Why am I still burning up with fever? Why can’t I say to hell with commitments and leave this Hell forever? Why can’t I sleep?
My eternal questions!
The word tired has lost all meaning for me. Exhausted barely covers it. When I ride my bike to work, I know I’m putting myself in danger because I’ve such a low energy level. I have got less than six hours in the past 48. I go to bed in time but I just can’t sleep.
My insomnia has taken an exciting new turn. Instead of being unable to sleep and then unable to wake up, I can now sleep but not for long. I wake up well before my alarm. Four hours before it for now reason and then cannot go back to sleep. This has never happened to me before – I can always go back to sleep. I’m going to call in sick tomorrow if I don’t sleep again tonight cos it’s driving me crazy.
Remember than episode in Star Trek Net Gen where they couldn’t achieve R.E.M. sleep and they started losing the plot – well that’s me right now!
I wouldn’t mind so much if Ambien would work. Although when I’m at work I look at the floor and think, I could drop off in two minutes.
My concentration is shot to shit. I can’t see straight. Everything is blurry. I have a really important meeting with top officials in two hours. I’m totally screwed!