Meme time

I was tagged by Lola!

Pass it on to five other bloggers, and tell them to open the nearest book to page 56. Write out the fifth sentence on that page, and also the next two to five sentences. The CLOSEST BOOK, NOT YOUR FAVORITE, OR MOST INTELLECTUAL!

Ok so the nearest book to me is “Atonement” by Ian McEwan. I started reading it and was liking it but then work glanced sharply in my direction and I’ve had no time to do anything but work and not-sleep.

Page 56

She had turned her back and was opening the door wide.

“But what was it then?” Cecilia could hear the neediness in her own voice.

Beyond her sister, far beyond the lake, the driveway curved across the park, narrowed and converged over rising ground to a point where a tiny shape, made formless by the warping heat, was growing, and then flickered and seemed to recede. It would be Hardman, who said he was too old to drive a car, bringing the visitors in the trap.

Now I want to continue reading. But I have no time. It’s 2:30 am and I still haven’t started on my bloody spreadsheet. I think I’m just going to blow it off.

I tag DZ-Chick, Belle, Natalia, Mark and Petrona

Have at it!

Mania is my new buzz

The extra 50mgs of zoloft are definiately doing something. I feel antsy and crazy and weird but I haven’t cut myself (much) in the past two days. I have diarrohea of the mouth. My mother just arrived to help me with the transition to europe and I just spilled my guts to her. I told her everything – the cutting, the depression, the drugs, the possible heart defect. I don’t ever tell my mother this kind of thing. It’s very unlike me and I feel very weird about it. But I can’t shut the fuck up. She’s playing it cool but I can see that I’ve shocked her.

On another topic, I love xanax

I hurt myself today

I hurt myself today

Trigger warning: cutting and blood

Re no subject

I’ve grown to like the slight pain when I run my fingers over the cuts.

I’m not hiding them. I can’t. It’s way too hot for long sleeves and I kinda want someone to notice.

Is it too much to ask one’s friends to care? I mean in RL. In bloglandia Ihave you all. Thanks xxx

Could I be any more pathetic? I want my friends to notice that I’m hurting myself. What a stereotype? I hear that most cutters don’t want people to know. Am I just desperately seeking attention with my razorblade antics?

Dunno

no subject

It is so much easy to cut with a razor blade than a scissors. The razor is clean and makes patterns in my skin.

The thing about cutting is that while the moment is calming, the aftermath is annoying, messy and painful.

Still cannot sleep. Took half an ambien and still couldn’t sleep.

I gave up smoking and still can’t sleep.

Whiskey, Foxtrot, Tango

The shakes

I quit smoking. It’s been two days. I feel like shit. I can’t string thoughts or phrases together. I don’t know these things are connected.

I stole a razor blade from a friend’s house. I’m fantasizing about cutting but I can’t do it. My mum is coming to see me soon and she’ll notice. She notices these things. I’ll tell her about the cold dark cloud, the sleepless nights, the loneliness and the pain but I will not tell her about cutting or my thoughts of suicide. I don’t think she wants to hear that. Not that she wants to hear the other stuff either.

I love my job but I quit my job. I want to get the fuck out of this hell but I sometimes like it here. I’m feeling very conflicted. Wish I could stop wanting the slice up my skin. The quitting smoking has made me more edgy. I’m shaky and brainless

I’m a fucked up girl in a fucked up world…

My ankles and feet have been severely swollen for at least eight months and someone suggested that it might be a heart thing. Yesterday I asked one of my doctor friends to listen to my herat. He discovered a systolic murmur. I know that I’ve got to get an ultrasound to be sure but fucking hell. How many diseases can one person have?

• PCOS
• lump in breast
• PTSD
• Compassion fatigue
• And now a heart murmur

So I stopped smoking. It’s my second day clean and I miss the smokes. I miss the inhalation, the feeling of coolness, the whole shebang. But I have stopped and I will not take anyother puff.  I am so tempted but I must not.

Coming out as a mental case

I’m still awake. I may take an ambien to knock me out.

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

My sister is a good person

I’m sure she didn’t mean to be do dismissive when I told her I was mental.

I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know what PTSD and Compassion Fatigue are but does not sound good.

You don’t know that it is? How about you google it you asshat?

You’ll probably feel well again once you take time off. I think changing your life is the sensible thing to do it you feel depressed.

Chin up.

Cos depression is just a bad mood that anyone can shake off  /sarcasm

Does anyone else stay awake for two days straight? I can’t even think clearly. I know my sister didn’t mean to hurt me. Like I said, she’s a good person. I’m taking an ambien and going to bed now. Goodnight.

If I could only get some sleep…

It’s 13.50 in the afternoon today. The last time I slept was Friday. I tried going to bed twice but my mind would not fall asleep. My eyelids kept shutting and then my brain would open them again. Now Im at work but can barely seat up striaght. I hate insomnia. But at least I’m going home in a month and a few days

YSY

A good day

Today is a good day. I hauled myself out of bed and met two friends. It was surprisingly fun. I love when these days happen!

Hugs you all