(S)mothered

I didn’t get out of bed yesterday cos I had a fever and felt like crap. Today I get read the riot act by my bloody mother for being selfish. She accused me of treating her like a piece of furniture. The thing is that I am the one she dumps on. She doesn’t take responsibility for her mood swings. She doesn’t dump on my Dad or on my sibs. I’m the comforter, the person she can yell at, the one who does the housework. She sees herself as an eternal victim. It’s always “poor me”.

She has this weird effect on me. She speaks in a certain tone of voice and I’m reduced to tears just like when I was a child. I can’t control it and I can’t hide it. When I want to show her how grown up I am and want to discuss thigs logically ot even yell, I can’t. I always end up bawling my eyes out like a child. It is beyond my control.

I don’t know what to do. I’m at home because I’m depressed. I’m on meds. But I can’t take living with her. I’m going on the dole and all that but I’m staying in my parents’ summer house in january. I know she’ll try and stay with me because she needs me to complain too. She needs to think that I need her. She knows I’m depressed. She knows I self harm but I am selfish beause I didn’t get out of bed on a day that I was sick.

I don’t know what to do…

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2 responses to “(S)mothered

  1. I still say you made the right move by coming home. You couldn’t have stayed in the situation that you were in. Sounds to me like your Mum needs you to show that you need her around. Maybe she would back off a bit then? Not an easy thing to do if you are spread thinly as it is. Hang tough DS, you are stronger than you feel. You’re being drained right left and centre.

    Lola x

  2. Oh Lola, thank you. I’m having a tough time right now *hugs*

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