When friends wound

I was just chatting to one of my best friends on the other side of the world. I told him that I had PTSD and severe depression and he said to me that he thought I was a stronger person than that. I’m sitting at my keyboard just crying because the image that I’m strong is one that I held on to for so long. I didn’t get help for ages because I’m not weak like others. It’s complete shit of course.

He didn’t mean to be so horrible but he was and it hurts so much. I feel wounded and vulnerable. I just can’t trust hardly anyone with my feelings.

And yesterday another close friend Bon told me that she’s disappointed to know me now. Before my depression she said I looked like so much fun. Now apparently I come off as hostile. Yeah I corrected her when she said a rape just. Rape is not fucking funny. I know. I’ve been raped twice. She wanted to be friends with me when she thought I was a happy person but apparently as a freak I’m not so fun. I wanted to write that she’s my only girlfriend who is there for me but she isn’t there for me. Now I’ve to play fake happy with her. I can’t do this any more.

I feel completely hopeless


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