I feel abandoned, lonely and utterly sad and I can’t tell anyone. I’m about to cry at work like I cried myself to sleep last night. The sad songs didn’t help.
Doc stood me up and I got to thinking about the lack of men that have been interested in me. I realised that exactly three men offered me a second date after making out once – Spanish guy, my rapist and F. Spanish guy called me once about one month after we shagged and never called again after our second hookup. My rapist raped and then dumped me. F still sends me sweet texts but over 10 000 miles separate us and he has a girlfriend.
The truth is that I have never had a relationship. All my sex has been with one night stand, except F. He is the grand exception to everything – he didn’t immediately hate me after sleeping with me. With F it was a sort of relationship even though he was shagging Romanian girl at the same time (as far as I know. He denied it but I’m not a moron). We snogged after he gave me a rose and walked me home and then didn’t see each other for two weeks – work, he was sick etc but texted and emailed daily. Then we shagged. He left the country. He came back and three hours later, I left the countr, never to return. And now he’s back with his ex. The only man who could stand to keep in contact with me after we had shagged.
And Doc, charming Doc – allegedly in love with another woman. She denies it. Doc who when he meets me talks to me all night but never tries to kiss me. Doc who cancelled dinner last night because of a meeting with his boss but was supposed to call me for a drink later, didn’t. I got stood up. I waited and waited and watch Bridget Jones II and Phat Girlz which made me cry. It always makes me cry because all it tells me is stereotypes and that if I ever want a want, I have to go to Nigeria. Well virtually all the Nigerian men I’ve met are not respectful and for me that is a deal breaker.
On top of everything else, my friends are dumping their problems on me. Oh boo fucking hoo. Build a bridge and get over it. “Oooh my boyfriend got me pregnant, lend me $1000 for an abortion”. “He doesn’t want to sleep with me”. “Do you think my girlfriend’s cheating on me?”. At this stage friends, I don’t give a flying fuck. Yes you spend the token five seconds on “how are you DS?” But I don’t thinking anyone realises that I’m close to tears constantly and cry myself to bed at night. If they knew, they would dismiss it because who cares about the feelings of a girl who’s too fat to fuck; a girl who’s always complaining that she can’t get laid; who would want her anyway.
That’s why I cried myself to sleep last night and Friday night and so many nights in the past. Friends don’t actually believe I could ever attract a man and I’m afraid that the passage of time is proving them right. I’m everyone’s best friend – funny DS she can take a joke and all of our shit all the fucking time. I don’t know whether to hibernate or escape. Have to decide soon with the holidays coming up.
Doc spoke to me about it and told me that people have to stand alone as well and that I can’t be a crutch for the world. How right, bright and beautiful you are Doc but you still stood me up, with nary a text of explanation. I gotta assume that you don’t give a flying fuck about me except to fuck me around.
God I’m so lonely and my head hurts from crying and lack of sleep.