Down

I’m feeling so down. My work, my life, my everything seems to be bugging me these days.

OK starting with work – on Monday morning my boss admonished me in front of all staff. Basically he implied that I was lazy and wasn’t getting the work done fast enough or answering emails. I felt like screaming at him. All I did, however, was flush bright red and bite my lip. The boss is impossible to read so I don’t know how seriously to take his answers. Then yesterday, we were interviewing an intern to help me with the work, and again he brought up the fact that I was moving very slowly. So I challenged him as Neighbour counselled me to do. I asked him what he thought about my progress and did he have any suggestions to offer as to how I could accomplish the task more rapidly. He said I was doing fine and not to worry. Well fuck you. You can’t just turn around like that in a one on one situation and say I’m doing fine after dressing me down in front of everyone. I feel like crying and my motivation is zero.

OK boss man, how long would it take you to organise, file and archive 17 years of documents that are in no fucking order? I’ve done so much but it doesn’t even fucking register because of the remaining 500 000. I’m only one fucking person. I should have a team but no I’m a volunteer on shitty pay, when everyone else is earning a ton for going interesting work. I’m so bored I could scream.

What boggles the mind, though, is that he offered me an extension on my contract the same day as he publicly embarrassed me. There is no logic to his action and I am feeling so blank. I’m a paid volunteer and have been for two years now. I fucking want a decent contract that recognises my abilities and I don’t want to be stuck in this fucking miserable corrupt hole of a country a second longer than is necessary. We all gotta pay our dues but I’m the one getting six times less money than anyone else. I could of course quit but what kind of a reference and contacts would that get me. It’s so hard to break into the development game especially as a fat white girl. I can’t afford to throw the opportunity away but I am pissed off – very fucking pissed off.

I want to feel something. I want to hold hands. I want to be held at night. I’m so starved of human contact. I’m lonely. I want to get laid. But the only possibility is a second hand offer of pity sex. Oh yeah like that’s going to get me out of this funk. Pity sex for the fat girl who can’t get anything better. You know fuck you. I am fat – deal with it. I don’t need to be told by plebs every time I set foot out of doors. Sometimes I hate this fucking country.

I’ve taken to drinking vodka and not eating after work. I’m not hungry and I feel so blank. I’m a misery at parties and everybody notices when I want them to leave me the fuck alone because I’m normally a “shiny happy person”. Leave me alone in my fucking misery. I hate explaining why I’m down, because it is so fucking insignificant.

My best friend here is going through major problems and I’m doing my utmost to stay focussed on her because she needs someone to lean on and I don’t begrudge her for a second. I know my issues are minor but they don’t feel like it. I’m a simulacra of myself and all I want to do is cry.

I’m touch starved, poor, bored and now with a reputation for incompetence. God I’m going to cry. I can’t I’m at work and I’m the only fucking person without an office. I think I’ll drink tonight.

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